Gottman 4 Horsemen

Criticism attacks a person's character rather than describing a specific concern.

Instead of focusing on a behavior, criticism often sounds like:

• "You always..."

• "You never..."

• "What's wrong with you?"

Begin with how you feel and what you need.

Instead of:

"You never listen."

Try:

"I'm feeling unheard right now. Could we slow down so I can finish my thought?"

Contempt communicates superiority, disrespect, or disgust.

It can show up through:

• Eye rolling

• Mocking

• Sarcasm

• Name calling

• Belittling

• Hostility

Research suggests contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship break-ups and divorce. 

Practice noticing what your partner does well.

Express gratitude regularly.

Even small acknowledgments help create emotional safety.

Defensiveness often sounds like:

• "That's not what happened."

• "It's your fault."

• "I wouldn't have done that if you..."

While understandable, defensiveness usually escalates conflict because neither person feels heard.

Even if your partner's perspective feels incomplete, look for the small part you can own.

For example:

"You're right—I interrupted you. I'm sorry."

Small moments of accountability can create space for repair.

Stonewalling happens when someone emotionally shuts down.

They may become quiet, withdrawn, or unable to continue the conversation—not because they don't care, but because their nervous system has become overwhelmed.

This often happens when someone is emotionally flooded.

Instead of forcing the conversation:

• Take a 20–30 minute break.

• Practice calming your body.

• Return when both people feel more regulated.

The goal is to pause rather than  avoid.