Have you ever been sitting with your partner and said, “Look at this,” while showing them something on your phone? Maybe you sent them a meme, told them something that happened at work, reached over and touched their arm, or asked if they wanted to go somewhere with you.
Those moments may not seem particularly important, but Gottman calls them bids for connection. A bid is simply an attempt to get some kind of response from your partner. It might be a request for attention, affection, interest, conversation, help, or reassurance.
Some bids are obvious: “Can we talk?” or “Will you come sit with me?” Others are so ordinary that we don't recognize them as bids at all.
“Did you see what happened on the news?”
“Listen to what the dog just did.”
“I can't believe how tired I am.”
“Look at that sunset.”
Sometimes there isn't even a question. Your partner may sigh, move closer to you on the couch, reach for your hand, or start telling you about something you don't particularly care about. The subject itself isn't always the point; its that they are inviting you into their experience.
Turning toward, away, or against
Turning toward, away, or against
Gottman noticed that what happens after one partner makes a bid matters. See below for more info:
Turning Toward
Turning Toward
Turning toward means responding to the invitation in some way. If your partner says, “Look at this,” you look. If they tell you about something frustrating at work, you listen or ask what happened. If they reach for you, you reach back.
It doesn't require a long conversation every time. Sometimes it's just eye contact, a laugh, a question, or “Give me two minutes to finish this and then show me.”
Turning Away
Turning Away
Turning away happens when the bid doesn't get a response. You keep scrolling. You don't look up. You change the subject. Often this isn't deliberate at all. People are distracted, tired, stressed, working, parenting, or simply unaware that what sounded like a random comment was actually an attempt to connect.
Turning Against
Turning Against
Turning against is different. The bid gets a response, but the response is irritated or rejecting.
“Look at this.”
“Seriously? Can't you see that I'm trying to do something?!?”
One interaction probably isn't going to tell you much about a relationship. We all miss bids and we all get irritated. What Gottman's research points to is the pattern that develops over time.
Gottman's research showed that a pattern develops over time: in observations of newlywed couples, those who were still married six years later had turned toward their partner's bids about 86% of the time. Among couples who later divorced, it was about 33%.
That doesn't mean you need to start counting your responses or aiming for an 86% score. The interesting part is that something as ordinary as responding when your partner says, “Hey, look at this,” can be part of how closeness is built over time
Bids aren't always easy to recognize
Bids aren't always easy to recognize
People don't always ask directly for connection, particularly when asking feels vulnerable.... “I guess you're going to be on your phone all night."
That may be criticism. But there may also be a bid underneath it: I want your attention.
“You're going to bed already?” Maybe what's difficult to say is: I was hoping we'd spend some time together.
This doesn't mean we should excuse criticism or expect our partners to decipher everything we say. In fact, part of building a healthier relationship can be learning to make clearer bids.
“I'd really like some time with you tonight. Can we put our phones away for a little while?”
is much easier to respond to than:
“You're always on your phone.”
Task: Start by noticing
Task: Start by noticing
For the next day or two, pay attention to the small ways your partner tries to engage with you. You don't have to analyze every interaction. Just see if you notice any patterns in the way that your partner is asking for bids. Also notice how you want to respond as well as how you actually respond.
You might also notice your own bids. When you want attention, affection, reassurance, conversation, intimacy, or help, how do you ask for it? And when your partner doesn't turn toward your bid, what happens next?
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