Values Compass: A Guided Activity

Knowing what matters to you can be surprisingly different from living in a way that reflects it. Most of us have areas of life where our choices line up pretty well with the person we want to be, and other areas where stress, fear, old patterns, or simply the demands of everyday life pull us away.

The Values Compass is a way to slow down and look at that with curiosity. You’ll choose one area of your life, think about the direction you want to move in, notice what tends to pull you away from that direction, and then create a small plan for moving toward what matters.

You don't need to have everything figured out before you begin. Start with what feels important right now.

A quick reminder: toward and away moves

The Values Compass looks at our choices in terms of toward moves and away moves.

Toward moves are the things you do that bring you closer to the person you want to be and the life you want to build. They don't have to be big decisions. Calling someone you care about, setting a needed boundary, taking care of something you have been avoiding, asking for help, or giving yourself time to rest could all be toward moves, depending on what you value.

Away moves are the patterns that pull you further from what matters to you. They often show up when something uncomfortable is happening inside us. We might avoid, withdraw, procrastinate, lash out, people-please, overwork, shut down, or get stuck in our heads. These behaviors usually make sense when we understand what we are trying to escape, prevent, or protect ourselves from.

The important thing to remember is that the same behavior can be a toward move in one situation and an away move in another. Resting could be a toward move when you are caring for an exhausted body, or an away move when staying in bed has become a way of avoiding something important to you. The question isn't simply, “Is this behavior good or bad?” It is:

“Is this helping me move toward what matters to me right now? Aligned with my core values?"

Step 1: Choose an area of your life

Think about an area where you would like to feel more intentional. You might choose:

Relationships — partner, family, friendships, parenting
Personal growth — learning, creativity, spirituality, emotional health
Work or school — career, education, contribution, responsibility
Health and well-being — rest, movement, nourishment, caring for your body
Community — belonging, service, connection, involvement
Recreation — play, adventure, hobbies, enjoyment

Choose one area rather than trying to work on everything at once.

What area of your life would you like to explore? Write it down. 

Step 2: Find your direction

Now think less about what you want to accomplish and more about how you want to show up in this part of your life.

Imagine there were a compass pointing you toward the kind of person you want to be here. What direction would it point?

For example, in a relationship you might value being loving, honest, present, playful, patient, or dependable. At work, you might value being curious, courageous, collaborative, thoughtful, or reliable.

Try asking yourself:

What matters to me here?

What kind of person do I want to be in this part of my life?

How do I want to treat myself and other people?

If someone watched the way I lived this value, what would they actually see me doing?

Write down a few words or phrases that describe the direction you want to move toward.

Step 3: Notice your "away moves"

All of us have things we do when life gets difficult that can pull us away from what matters. Sometimes these behaviors give us relief in the moment, which is exactly why we keep doing them.

You might withdraw, procrastinate, avoid a conversation, become defensive, scroll for hours, overwork, people-please, shut down, criticize yourself, try to control everything, or get caught in overthinking.

Think about the area you chose.

When I am stressed, hurt, afraid, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable, what do I tend to do?

Which of those behaviors pull me away from the person I want to be?

The goal here isn't to criticize yourself for having these patterns. Understanding what pulls you off course makes it easier to recognize when it is happening.

Step 4: Notice what shows up inside

Away moves usually make more sense when we understand what is happening underneath them.

Maybe you avoid a difficult conversation because you are afraid of conflict. Maybe you procrastinate because you are worried you will fail. Maybe you become defensive because criticism quickly brings up shame. Maybe you say yes when you want to say no because disappointing someone feels deeply uncomfortable.

Ask yourself:

What thoughts tend to show up when I get pulled away from my values?

What feelings or body sensations are difficult for me to make room for?

What am I usually trying to avoid, control, escape, or protect myself from?

You don't have to get rid of these thoughts and feelings before you can move toward what matters. Sometimes the work is learning to recognize what is happening inside you while still choosing your direction.

Step 5: Identify your "toward moves"

Now come back to the values you identified earlier.

What would moving toward them actually look like in your everyday life?

Keep your answers concrete. “Be a better partner” is difficult to act on. “Put my phone away when my partner is talking to me” gives you somewhere to begin.

You might ask:

What could I do more often that reflects this value?

What could I do differently when I notice an old pattern taking over?

What is one action that would move me a little closer to the person I want to be?

Create Your Values Plan

Finish these prompts: 

The area of my life I want to focus on is:

The values I want to bring into this area are:

When things get difficult, I tend to move away from those values by:

The thoughts, feelings, fears, or urges that often show up are:

When I notice myself getting pulled off course, I want to practice:

One toward move I can make this week is:

A small reminder that could help me remember my direction is:

Keep using your compass

A compass doesn't tell you whether you have succeeded or failed. It helps you notice your direction.

There will be times when you realize you have moved away from what matters to you. That realization can become useful information: I got pulled off course. What was happening? What matters to me here? What is one small move I can make in that direction now?

You can return to this activity whenever you feel stuck, disconnected from yourself, or unsure about what to do next. Your circumstances may change, and the actions available to you may change with them, but your values can continue to help you choose the direction you want to move.