The Beliefs We Carry (Core Beliefs)

The Beliefs We Carry

Sometimes we have reactions that don't entirely make sense to us. You make a relatively small mistake at work and spend the rest of the day feeling like you've failed. Your partner seems distracted and you immediately wonder whether something is wrong between you. Someone is disappointed in you and, even though you know you're allowed to make your own choices, you feel an almost overwhelming need to fix it.

Often, there's more happening in these moments than the situation right in front of us. Our experiences shape the way we understand ourselves, and over time we can develop beliefs such as I'm not good enough, I can't trust anyone, it's my fault, I'm not safe, or I have to keep everyone happy. In EMDR, we often call these negative cognitions. You may also hear them described more generally as negative core beliefs.

These aren't necessarily beliefs you've consciously chosen. In fact, you may disagree with them completely when you're feeling calm. But under the right circumstances, they can still feel remarkably true.

How these beliefs develop

We begin making sense of ourselves through our experiences long before we're old enough to understand those experiences very well. Imagine a child growing up with a parent who is frequently critical or unpredictable. That child doesn't have the perspective to think, My parent has difficulty managing their emotions, and the way they're responding to me isn't an accurate reflection of my worth. They're much more likely to wonder what they did wrong, try harder to be good, or begin to believe that they are the problem.

Over time, an understandable response to a particular environment can become a much broader belief: I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect. It's my job to keep everyone happy. I can't make mistakes.

These beliefs don't only develop in childhood. Betrayal, rejection, bullying, abusive or unhealthy relationships, frightening experiences, repeated criticism, discrimination, loss, and experiences in which we felt powerless can all influence what we come to believe about ourselves. Sometimes there's an obvious experience connected to a belief. Other times there isn't. You may simply realize that you've been feeling a certain way about yourself for as long as you can remember.

“I know that isn't true. Why does it still feel true?”

This is something I hear often in therapy. You may genuinely know that you're competent and still feel like a failure when you make a mistake. You can know that your current partner is not the person who betrayed you and still feel panicked when something reminds you of what happened. You can understand that you weren't responsible for something that happened to you and still carry a nagging feeling that you should have done something differently.

Knowing something intellectually and experiencing it as true emotionally aren't always the same thing. That's one reason simply telling ourselves to “think positively” usually doesn't do much for deeply held beliefs. If I'm not good enough has been reinforced by years of experiences, replacing it with I'm good enough isn't necessarily going to make your nervous system say, “Oh, okay. Never mind.”

Instead, we can begin by becoming curious about the old belief and noticing when it appears.

Finding the belief underneath the reaction

Negative beliefs aren't always obvious because we don't necessarily walk around consciously thinking, I'm powerless or I don't matter. We tend to notice the reactions they produce.

Someone who carries my needs don't matter may have difficulty saying no and then wonder why they feel resentful and exhausted. Someone who carries I'm not good enough may become intensely perfectionistic or feel devastated by ordinary mistakes. Someone who learned I can't trust anyone may find themselves looking for signs that people will eventually hurt or leave them, even in relationships that are relatively safe.

This is why one of the questions I find helpful is:

When this happened, what did I make it mean about me?

You don't need an immediate answer. Sometimes the first answer is an emotion: I felt rejected. If you stay curious a little longer, you may discover what the rejection seemed to mean: I'm not important to them. And underneath that may be something even more familiar: I don't matter.

That is often where we begin to recognize the beliefs we've been carrying.

Exploring your own beliefs

The worksheet below includes beliefs related to responsibility, safety, choice, power, and value, categories commonly used when identifying negative and positive cognitions in EMDR. Some will probably mean nothing to you, while others may feel familiar almost immediately.

As you read through the list, put a check beside anything you've noticed in yourself before. Then go back and circle the beliefs that seem to show up frequently, carry more emotional weight, or appear in different areas of your life. You aren't deciding whether the belief is objectively true. You're simply identifying the ones your mind seems to return to.

You'll also see a more adaptive belief beside each one. Don't worry if you read I am worthy or I can trust myself and think, Well, that certainly doesn't feel true. That's actually useful to notice. The statement on the right isn't an affirmation you're supposed to force yourself to believe. It represents a different way of understanding yourself that may become more accessible as the experiences underneath the old belief are worked through.

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Therapy-Tree_The-Beliefs-We-Carry_Negative_Cognitions.pdf

How this comes up in EMDR

If you've done EMDR with me, some of this language may sound familiar. When we're working with a particular memory, I may ask what you believe about yourself when you bring that experience to mind. We aren't just interested in what happened; we're also interested in what your brain seems to have learned from what happened.

For example, someone may begin by saying that a memory makes them feel afraid. As we explore it, they realize that what feels true when they remember the experience is I'm powerless. We can then ask what they would rather believe about themselves now. Perhaps it's I have choices now or I can protect myself.

The goal of EMDR isn't to cross out I'm powerless and replace it with a more positive sentence. As the experiences connected to that belief are processed, the old conclusion may no longer fit in quite the same way. The newer belief can begin to feel true rather than simply sounding like something you're supposed to believe.

Pay attention to when it shows up

After you've identified a few beliefs that seem familiar, you don't need to spend the week analyzing everything you think. Just keep them somewhere in the back of your mind. When you notice a reaction that feels particularly strong, see whether one of those beliefs has been touched.

You might notice I'm not good enough after receiving criticism, I don't matter when someone doesn't respond the way you hoped, or I have to keep everyone happy when you consider setting a boundary. The situations will be different, but the underlying belief may be surprisingly consistent.

Once you begin recognizing that pattern, you have a little more room to work with it. Instead of only seeing the reaction in front of you, you can begin to understand what the core belief is that the reaction may be connected to.

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