Understanding Shame and Guilt

When something you did becomes something you believe about yourself

Most of us have things we wish we had handled differently. Maybe you lost your temper with someone you love, made a decision you regret, avoided something you needed to deal with, or behaved in a way that doesn't feel consistent with the person you want to be. Feeling uncomfortable when we look back on those experiences can actually serve an important purpose because it gives us an opportunity to think about what happened, take responsibility when we need to, and make different choices moving forward.

Sometimes, though, our minds take us somewhere much more painful. We move away from thinking about the choice we made and begin drawing conclusions about who we are because we made it. A difficult conversation becomes evidence that we are terrible at relationships. Losing patience with our children becomes proof that we are bad parents. A mistake at work becomes confirmation that we aren't capable enough to be there in the first place.

Understanding the difference between guilt and shame can help us recognize when this shift is happening.

Understanding guilt

Guilt usually develops when we recognize that something we did doesn't fit with our values or with the way we want to treat other people. We may feel uncomfortable remembering what happened because we wish we had responded differently.

Although guilt doesn't feel particularly good, it can give us useful information. If I value being patient and realize that I was unnecessarily harsh with someone, the discomfort I feel afterward may tell me that my behavior was out of alignment with something that matters to me. From there, I can think about what was happening, acknowledge the impact I had, apologize if that is appropriate, and consider what I want to do differently the next time I am overwhelmed.

In that way, guilt can help guide us back toward our values. We can acknowledge something we regret while still maintaining enough perspective to do something constructive with what we have learned.

When guilt turns into shame

Shame takes the experience inward. Instead of staying focused on what happened, our minds begin using the experience to make judgments about our character, worth, or identity.

Someone who regrets losing their temper may begin thinking, I'm a terrible partner. Someone who forgot something important might decide, I'm so selfish. A person who stayed in an unhealthy relationship may look back years later and think, I was so stupid. What's wrong with me?

Once we begin thinking about ourselves this way, it becomes much harder to stay curious about what actually happened. We may become so consumed with what the situation seems to say about us that we have less capacity to learn from it.

This is one of the reasons shame can keep people stuck for such a long time. The mind continues returning to the event because it is trying to understand what happened, but each time it returns, it reaches the same conclusion about the self.

Guilt and shame can sound very different

Guilt- "I did something bad."

The focus stays on something I did, a choice I made, or the impact my behavior had on someone else. Because the behavior is separate from who I am as a person, I have room to take responsibility for it. I can apologize, make a repair, learn from what happened, and decide how I want to respond differently in the future.

Shame- "I am bad."

The judgment moves from my behavior to my identity. Instead of thinking I handled that badly, I begin thinking I am a terrible partner. Instead of I made a mistake, it becomes There is something wrong with me. Once the problem feels like it is who I am, it becomes much harder to imagine what I can do about it.

Brené Brown's work on shame

Researcher and author Brené Brown has spent decades studying shame, vulnerability, empathy, and connection. One of the distinctions she has helped make accessible is the difference between guilt and shame. In her work, guilt is generally connected with the belief that I did something bad, while shame carries the much more global belief that I am bad.

Brown also describes shame as being closely connected with our fear that something about us could make us unworthy of love, belonging, or connection. This helps explain why shame can feel so intense. When we experience shame, our nervous system may be responding to something that feels much bigger than a mistake. At some level, the experience may feel connected with whether we will still be accepted if another person sees the parts of us that we are trying hardest to hide.

Another important part of Brown's work is the role of empathy. Shame tends to grow when experiences remain hidden and unspoken, particularly when we believe we are the only person who feels or behaves this way. Being able to talk about something painful with a safe person who can respond with empathy can begin to change that experience. The event hasn't changed, but we are no longer carrying it alone or viewing ourselves entirely through the lens of our worst moment.

This is part of what can make therapy so helpful when working with shame. Experiences that have been kept hidden for years can finally be looked at in the presence of another person without the rejection or judgment that shame has been predicting.

Where shame begins

Many of our earliest beliefs about ourselves develop before we are old enough to understand the circumstances around us. Children naturally try to make sense of their experiences, but they don't have the perspective to recognize all of the things happening in the adults around them.

A child whose parent is emotionally unavailable doesn't usually understand that the parent may be struggling with depression, trauma, addiction, relationship problems, or their own inability to connect emotionally. The child is much more likely to wonder why their parent doesn't seem interested in them. Over time, that question can become a belief such as I'm not important, I'm too much, or I'm difficult to love.

The same thing can happen when children are frequently criticized, compared with siblings, bullied, rejected by peers, embarrassed for showing emotion, or expected to manage situations that were far beyond their developmental ability. Eventually, the experience may no longer feel like something that happened around them. It becomes part of the way they understand themselves.

Years later, an experience in adulthood can touch one of those older beliefs and create a reaction that feels much larger than the present situation would seem to explain.

Shame and trauma

Shame can become particularly complicated after trauma because people often take responsibility for experiences over which they had very little control. Someone who experienced abuse may wonder why they didn't fight back. Someone who stayed in an unsafe relationship may criticize themselves for not leaving sooner. Someone who was betrayed may search through everything they did in the relationship trying to determine what they did to cause it.

Looking backward with the knowledge and perspective we have today can make our past choices seem much clearer than they actually were at the time. We forget what we knew then, what resources we had available, how old we were, how frightened or overwhelmed we may have been, and what our nervous system was doing to help us survive the situation.

For some people, blaming themselves also creates a sense of control. If I can convince myself that what happened was caused by something about me, I can also imagine that changing myself will prevent it from ever happening again. I can become more careful, less trusting, more independent, more agreeable, more successful, or more perfect. Unfortunately, that sense of control can require carrying responsibility that was never ours in the first place.

How shame shows up in relationships

Shame can be surprisingly difficult to recognize in relationships because it doesn't always look like someone who feels ashamed. It can show up as defensiveness, anger, withdrawal, over-explaining, people-pleasing, or an urgent need for reassurance.

Imagine telling your partner, “I felt really alone when you didn't check in with me yesterday.” If your partner hears that as information about your experience, the two of you may be able to talk about what happened. If shame translates the message into You're a terrible partner and you're failing this relationship, their nervous system may move very quickly into protection. They may explain why they were busy, point out something you did last week, shut down, or become angry.

At that point, both people may end up arguing about whether someone is a good or bad partner instead of talking about the original hurt.

Learning to recognize shame in these moments can create a little more room to stay present. You can notice that your mind is turning feedback about something you did into a judgment about who you are, and remind yourself that hearing another person's experience does not require you to agree with every conclusion or condemn yourself.

When shame sounds like your own voice

Shame often becomes so familiar that we stop recognizing it as shame. It simply sounds like the truth.

You may have been telling yourself for years that you are too sensitive, needy, selfish, lazy, difficult, weak, dramatic, or not good enough. Some of these beliefs may have started with things other people said directly. Others may have developed from the way people responded to you or from conclusions you made about yourself during painful experiences.

It can be helpful to become curious about these beliefs rather than automatically assuming they are accurate. When you notice a harsh conclusion about yourself, consider when you first remember feeling that way and what was happening in your life at the time. Sometimes tracing a belief backward helps us understand why it made sense for an earlier version of ourselves, even when it no longer accurately describes who we are.

Moving toward responsibility without shame

There will be times when the thing we feel ashamed about really does involve something we wish we hadn't done. Working through shame doesn't require us to remove responsibility from those situations.

Instead, we can slow down enough to separate what actually happened from everything we have decided it means about us. We can look at what we did, consider the impact, understand what was happening inside us at the time, and decide whether something needs to be repaired. We can also think about what we want to learn from the experience and how we want to respond if we find ourselves in a similar situation again.

This kind of accountability gives us a way forward because the focus remains on something we can actually work with: our choices, our patterns, and the way we want to live.

When the shame was never yours to carry

There are also times when the person carrying the shame was never the person responsible for what happened.

If you find yourself carrying shame connected with something painful from your past, it can be helpful to go back and consider the circumstances more carefully. Think about how old you were, what you understood at the time, what choices were actually available to you, and who had the responsibility to protect or care for you.

Sometimes another useful question is whether you would hold someone else responsible if they told you the same story. We are often able to see fear, coercion, developmental limitations, trauma responses, or impossible circumstances much more clearly when we are looking at someone else's experience than when we are looking at our own.

Over time, this can help separate what belongs to you from what you learned to carry.

Something to notice

Over the next few days, pay attention to what happens internally when you make a mistake, receive feedback, disappoint someone, or think about something you regret. Listen for the point where your mind moves from describing something you did to describing the kind of person you believe you are.

You might notice the difference between I was impatient with my child this morning and I'm a terrible parent, or between I avoided that conversation because I was afraid and I'm weak.

When you notice that shift, spend a little time with the first statement before following your mind into the second. There may be something important to learn from what happened without needing to turn the experience into a verdict about yourself.

Reflect

Think about something you continue to feel ashamed about and write down what actually happened as simply and factually as you can. Then consider what you have decided that experience says about you.

As you look at the two, consider what you genuinely want to take responsibility for and what may belong to shame. Think about what you knew at the time, what was happening around you, what you wish you had done differently, and what you understand now that you couldn't have understood then.

If there is something to repair, consider what repair might look like. If you realize that you have been carrying responsibility for something that wasn't yours, consider what it might mean to begin putting some of that responsibility back where it belongs.

Continue Growing

Shame touches many of the other areas we explore in the Growth Library because the beliefs we develop about ourselves influence the way we interpret our thoughts, relationships, mistakes, and emotions.

The Self-Compassion page can help you explore how you respond to yourself when shame appears. Parts of Self can help you understand the parts that criticize, defend, hide, or work very hard to prevent rejection. Noticing Self can help you recognize a shame-based story when it begins without immediately assuming that the story tells you everything about who you are.

As you begin recognizing shame more clearly, you may also begin noticing how often it has been influencing the way you see yourself. That awareness gives you an opportunity to look more carefully at what belongs to you, what you want to learn from, and what you may finally be ready to stop carrying.

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