Regulate-Relate-Reason

Why connection often needs to come before correction

Most parents have had the experience of trying to talk to a child who is completely overwhelmed. You explain the rule again. You remind them what happened the last time. You ask them to use their words. You may even find yourself saying, “I know you know better than this.”

The frustrating part is that they probably do know better. The problem is that knowing something when you're calm and being able to access it when you're overwhelmed are two very different things.

Dr. Bruce Perry's work on brain development and the Neurosequential Model helps explain why. One of the ideas that comes from his work is often summarized as Regulate, Relate, Reason. It gives us a helpful way to think about what the brain needs when a child is having a hard time.

When a child is highly upset, we start with regulation. As they settle, we use relationship and connection. The talking, teaching, problem-solving, and consequences come later, when the child is actually able to make use of them.

A Little Brain Science

One of the ideas behind the Neurosequential Model is that the brain is organized in a kind of hierarchy. Different networks are involved in different jobs, and the systems responsible for basic functions such as arousal and responding to possible danger can react very quickly. The cortical areas we rely on for language, planning, impulse control, perspective-taking, and problem-solving require a very different state. This becomes important when a child is overwhelmed.

As stress increases, the brain begins prioritizing what it believes is necessary in that moment. If the nervous system is detecting danger, the priority becomes responding to that danger, not carefully considering consequences or listening to a parent's explanation.

You can see this in everyday life. A child who is calm may be perfectly capable of telling you, “When I'm angry, I'm supposed to use my words.” The same child, once extremely upset, may yell, hit, run away, shut down, or insist that they have absolutely no idea what they were thinking. The skill didn't disappear, their ability to access and use it changed with their state.

This is something Perry describes as state-dependent functioning. What we're capable of doing depends, in part, on the state our nervous system is in at the time. As arousal rises, our responses tend to become faster, more reactive, and less reflective. When the nervous system settles, we regain greater access to the networks that allow us to think through what happened. That helps explain the order of Regulate, Relate, Reason.

Regulation works with the child's current physiological state. Relationship adds the experience of connection with another person. Reasoning asks for much more complex cortical work: language, reflection, learning, perspective, and problem-solving.

If we begin with reasoning while a child is still highly dysregulated, we may be asking their brain to do something it isn't capable of doing in that state.

Why the order matters

When we're calm, we have much better access to the parts of the brain that help us think ahead, solve problems, control impulses, understand someone else's perspective, and put our feelings into words.

As stress increases, that changes. Think about yourself during a really heated argument. Even as an adult, you may have trouble finding the right words. You may say something you regret, become defensive, misunderstand what the other person is saying, or need to walk away before you can think clearly again.

Kids have the same problem, except the parts of their brains responsible for these higher-level skills are still developing.

This is one reason asking an overwhelmed child, “Why did you do that?” often gets you an angry “I don't know!” They may genuinely not be able to explain it in that moment.

The Neurosequential Model looks at the brain in a developmental, bottom-up way. When the lower systems involved in arousal and responding to threat are highly activated, the higher areas we depend on for reasoning aren't as available. Trying to teach a lesson at that point can be a little like trying to have an important conversation with someone while a fire alarm is going off. The conversation won't be successful if there is dysregulation.

Regulate

Regulation is really about helping the nervous system settle enough that the child can begin coming back online.

What helps will depend on the child and on what is happening. Some kids need movement. They may need to walk, swing, rock, stretch, kick a ball, or do something repetitive with their bodies. Other children need less stimulation: fewer words, dimmer lights, a quieter room, or some physical space.

Rhythm can be particularly helpful. Walking, rocking, swinging, breathing, music, drumming, and other repetitive rhythmic activities give the nervous system something predictable to follow.

This doesn't mean that you have to make your child calm down. Sometimes your job is simply to stop adding more stimulation while their system settles.

Relate

As your child begins to settle, this is where connection can help.

You may sit near them, soften your voice, listen, or acknowledge what happened from their point of view. A child who feels understood is usually in a much better position to hear you than a child who still feels as though they need to defend themselves.

You might say, “You were really disappointed when I said you couldn't go.” Or, “It sounds like you thought your brother did that on purpose.”

Understanding their experience doesn't mean agreeing with their behavior. You can understand why your child was furious and still have a firm boundary about hitting. You can understand why your teenager lied because they were afraid of getting in trouble and still address the lying.

Then, We Can Reason...

Once your child is settled enough to think and you have reconnected, now you can have the conversation you probably wanted to have twenty minutes ago.

What happened? What could we do differently next time? Does something need to be repaired? Is there a consequence? Was there a rule that needs to be reinforced?

This is also when children are much more capable of considering someone else's perspective.

“What do you think that was like for your sister?”

“What could you do next time you're that angry?”

“How can we fix what happened?”

The goal isn't to avoid accountability. It's to have the accountability conversation when the child's brain is actually available for it.

This doesn't mean giving in

“Regulation” can sometimes sound like we're supposed to soothe children out of every uncomfortable feeling or remove the limit that upset them in the first place. That's not what this means...

If your child is having a meltdown because you said no to something, the answer can remain no. If your teenager broke an important rule, there can still be a consequence. If your child hurt someone, there may still need to be repair.

You just don't have to settle all of that while their nervous system is at a ten.

Sometimes the most useful response is simply, “I know you're really angry about this. We're going to talk about what happened, but we're not going to figure it out while we're both this upset.”

And sometimes the parent needs to regulate first

Children's nervous systems don't exist in isolation. They are constantly picking up information from the people around them. If your child is escalating and you notice that you're talking faster, getting louder, clenching your jaw, or repeating yourself for the fifth time, your own nervous system may be getting flooded too.

It can help to notice your own early signs. Maybe you need to stop talking for a minute. Take a slower breath. Sit down instead of standing over your child. Get a drink of water. Remind yourself that the problem does not have to be solved immediately. Sometimes changing your own pace and shifting your own energy can change the entire interaction.

What helps your child regulate?

There isn't one regulation strategy that works for every child. One child wants a hug when they're upset. Another absolutely does not want to be touched. One child settles with quiet. Another does much better if they can move. Some kids need five minutes before they're ready to reconnect, while others need much longer.

Over time, you can start paying attention to what you notice about your own child. What does their body look like when they're starting to become overwhelmed? What tends to make things worse? Do they seek movement or avoid it? Do they want closeness or space? What kinds of rhythm or sensory input seem to help? How can you tell when they're beginning to come back?

Something to try

The next time your child is really upset, notice when you feel the urge to start explaining.

Before you do, ask yourself:

Are they able to have this conversation right now?

If they aren't, you don't have to abandon the conversation, you can come back to it.

First, figure out what their nervous system needs. Then reconnect with them. When they're able to think with you again, that's when it's time to talk about what happened.

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