Developing a Personal Agenda for Change
When relationships are struggling, it is natural to focus on what your partner is doing—or not doing. A Personal Agenda for Change asks you to temporarily turn the lens toward yourself.
This is not about taking all the blame for problems in your relationship. Most relationship patterns are co-created. It is about becoming curious about your part of the pattern: how you respond when you feel hurt, afraid, rejected, overwhelmed, criticized, disconnected, or uncertain.
Your Personal Agenda for Change belongs to you. These are changes that could help you become a healthier partner and person regardless of what ultimately happens in your relationship.
1. Notice Your Patterns
Think about what tends to happen when your relationship feels difficult.
When I feel hurt, afraid, rejected, criticized, overwhelmed, or disconnected, I tend to…
☐ Pursue or seek reassurance
☐ Withdraw or shut down
☐ Become critical
☐ Become defensive
☐ Try to fix or solve everything
☐ Overfunction or take over
☐ Avoid difficult conversations
☐ Become angry or escalate
☐ People-please (fawn) or give in
☐ Other: _______
What does this pattern look like for you?
2. Look Underneath the Pattern
Our reactions usually make sense when we understand what is happening underneath them.
When I react this way, what am I afraid might happen?
rejection • abandonment • failure • conflict • feeling controlled • feeling inadequate • losing connection • being misunderstood
What am I trying to protect myself from?
rejection • abandonment • failure • conflict • feeling controlled • feeling inadequate • losing connection • being misunderstood
What do I need or long for in those moments?
reassurance • safety • acceptance • connection • understanding • validation • comfort • closeness • respect • appreciation • belonging • being chosen • being heard • being seen • trust • consistency • autonomy • emotional presence • affection • security
4. Shift From “You” to “I”
4. Shift From “You” to “I”
Instead of:
“You need to stop shutting me out.”
Try:
“I want to learn how to express my need for connection without pursuing or escalating.”
Instead of:
“You need to stop being so emotional.”
Try:
“I want to learn how to stay present when emotions become intense instead of withdrawing.”
What is something you have been wanting your partner to change?
Now turn it around: What part of this is within your control?
5. What Do I Need to Own?
Taking responsibility doesn't mean accepting responsibility for everything that has happened, it means being willing to honestly examine the parts that belong to you.
Finish these prompts:
Something I have done—or failed to do—that I need to take greater responsibility for is…
Something about my impact on my partner that may be difficult for me to acknowledge is…
Something I have been defending, minimizing, or avoiding looking at is…
You do not need to share everything you write here with your partner. Bring what feels important into therapy.
6. Build Your Personal Agenda for Change
Based on what you've noticed, identify 2–3 areas you would like to work on.
The “Regardless” Question
The “Regardless” Question
If I knew today that this relationship would ultimately end, would these still be changes I would want to make for myself?
If the answer is yes, you've probably identified something that truly belongs on your Personal Agenda for Change.
Your agenda isn't a promise to your partner. and it isn't a strategy for getting them to stay, change, forgive, or respond differently.
It is a commitment to understanding yourself more deeply and taking responsibility for the part of your life and relationships that you can control: yourself.
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