Parts of Self

Have you ever noticed that you can feel completely certain about something one day and very differently about it the next? Part of you may know that a relationship is safe, while another part becomes anxious the moment someone seems distant. You may genuinely want to set a boundary, only to find yourself agreeing to something you don't want to do. You can be confident and capable at work and then feel surprisingly small or overwhelmed during an argument with someone you love.

These contradictions can be confusing, especially when you understand logically that your reaction doesn't quite fit what is happening. You may find yourself wondering why you keep doing something you've worked so hard to change, or why all of your insight seems to disappear in certain moments.

One way we can begin to make sense of this is by thinking about the different parts of ourselves that developed through our experiences.

The parts that helped us survive

Fisher's work helps us understand how some parts become organized around the body's natural survival responses. When something feels threatening, our nervous system has several ways of trying to protect us. Depending on our experiences and what worked in the past, we may be more likely to fight, escape, freeze, submit, or urgently seek connection with someone who feels important to our safety.

These responses can continue long after the original danger has passed. A fight response might show up later as defensiveness, anger, criticism, or a strong need to regain control. A flight response may appear as avoidance, staying constantly busy, leaving difficult conversations, or wanting to escape when emotions become uncomfortable. Freeze can look like going blank during an argument, feeling numb or disconnected, or knowing what you want to say but suddenly being unable to find the words.

Other parts learned that safety came through accommodating other people. Someone who discovered early that conflict became less dangerous when they were agreeable may become very good at reading the room, anticipating what everyone needs, and keeping other people happy. Another person may have learned that maintaining connection was essential and become especially sensitive to signs of rejection, distance, or abandonment.

None of these responses developed randomly. At some point, your nervous system learned something about what helped you get through difficult situations.

Why would a part keep doing something that causes problems?

This is where parts work can become especially helpful. Many of the reactions we dislike most about ourselves began as attempts to solve a problem.

A critical part may have learned that being hard on you keeps you from making mistakes. A perfectionistic part may believe that getting everything right protects you from criticism or rejection. The part that doesn't trust people may remember, in its own way, what happened the last time you trusted someone who wasn't safe. A people-pleasing part may have learned that keeping everyone happy reduced conflict. The part that shuts down may have discovered that becoming quiet or numb was the safest option when fighting back or leaving wasn't possible.

Even the part that becomes intensely anxious when someone pulls away may be doing something that once made sense. If connection felt uncertain earlier in life, becoming highly sensitive to changes in another person's mood or availability may have helped you notice when an important relationship was at risk.

Understanding why a response developed doesn't mean that the response is still working well for you. Some strategies that were remarkably effective in one environment become exhausting or disruptive in another. The goal is to understand enough about the response that we can begin helping the nervous system discover that it may have other options now.

Getting to know your own parts

You don't need to identify every part of yourself or come up with names for them. A good place to begin is with the reactions you already know well.

Think about something you find yourself doing repeatedly even though you wish you responded differently. Maybe you become defensive when someone gives you feedback. Perhaps you shut down during conflict, panic when someone doesn't respond, procrastinate when something matters to you, become intensely self-critical after a mistake, or agree to things you don't want to do because disappointing someone feels unbearable.

Instead of immediately trying to stop the reaction, spend some time getting curious about it. Notice what tends to bring it out, what happens in your body when it appears, and what it seems to want you to do. Then consider what this part seems to be worried might happen if it didn't respond this way.

You may discover that the part you've been frustrated with has been trying very hard to prevent something it learned to fear a long time ago.

Understanding that doesn't mean handing the part complete control but it does give you an opportunity to respond to it differently.

A question to take with you

The next time you notice a familiar reaction, particularly one that seems stronger than the situation calls for, see if you can approach it with a little curiosity before trying to change it.

Consider what the part seems to be trying to accomplish, what it may be protecting you from, and when you first remember needing a response like this.

You may not know the answers right away, and you don't need to. Simply beginning to wonder about a reaction instead of immediately criticizing yourself for having it can change the way you relate to that part of yourself.

Learn More

This page is informed in part by the work of trauma therapist Janina Fisher, particularly her approach to understanding trauma-related parts and her book Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors. Fisher's work brings together an understanding of trauma, the nervous system, dissociation, attachment, mindfulness, and parts-oriented therapy.

Learn more about Janina Fisher's work