Healthy Communication using I-Statements

Using I-Statements: A healthier way to say what happened, how you feel, and what you need

When we're upset with someone, it's easy for our words to come out as blame: “You never listen to me.” “You're so annoying.” “You made me mad.” "You're a bully." Usually, there is something important underneath those words. Maybe you felt left out, embarrassed, frustrated, hurt, or like someone wasn't listening.

An I-statement helps you explain what's happening for you without the other person feeling blamed or getting defensive. It doesn't mean you can't be angry or disagree. It gives the other person a better chance of hearing what you're actually trying to say.

Start with 4 pieces:

I feel...

Name the feeling you feel.

When...
Describe what happened as simply as you can.
Because...

Explain why it mattered to you.

Next time, I would like / I need...

Tell the person what would help now or next time.

Put it together:

I feel ______ when ______ because ______. I would like ______.

For example:

“I felt left out when you started the game without me because I thought we were going to play together. Next time, I'd like you to ask me before you start.”

Or:

“I feel frustrated when you keep talking while I'm trying to explain because I don't feel like I'm being heard. Can you let me finish, and then I'll listen to you?”

Be careful of the sneaky “you”

Simply putting “I feel” at the beginning doesn't automatically make something an I-statement.

“I feel like you are a meanie.”

“I feel like you don't care about anybody but yourself.”

Those are still statements about the other person.

Try to name an actual feeling instead:

“I felt hurt when you laughed after I answered the question because I was already nervous about speaking in front of everyone.”

That gives the other person much more information about what happened inside you.

Describe what happened without adding a judgment

Compare:

“When you're being rude...”

with:

“When I was talking and you interrupted me...”

“Rude” is an opinion about the other person's behavior. “You interrupted me while I was talking” describes something that actually happened.

This can be hard when you're angry, so ask yourself:

If a camera recorded what happened, what would it have seen or heard?

Say what you need

Healthy communication isn't only about explaining why you're upset. It also helps the other person understand what they can do differently.

Instead of:

“I feel annoyed when you take my stuff because you always do whatever you want.”

Try:

“I feel frustrated when you use my headphones without asking because sometimes I can't find them when I need them. Please ask me before you borrow them.”

Your request should be something the other person can actually understand and do.

You don't have to use the formula perfectly

Real conversations don't usually sound like a script.

As you get comfortable with I-statements, they can sound much more natural:

“Hey, I was actually pretty embarrassed when that happened. Could you not joke about that in front of everyone?”

That's still healthy communication.

The goal isn't to memorize the perfect sentence. The goal is to learn how to talk about your feelings and needs without the other person feeling attacked.

Before you use an I-statement

Sometimes you're too upset to communicate clearly yet. If your body doesn't feel calm / regulated, your brain may be more focused on protecting you than carefully choosing words.

That's a good time to pause, step away, and breathe / walk / take a drink / or talk to a trusted adult.

Once your body is more regulated, come back to the conversation and try your I-statement.

Try It

Think about a situation that bothered you recently.

What happened?

How did you feel?

Why did it matter to you?

What would you like to happen next?

Now put it together:

I felt _________________ when _______________ because _______________. I would like __________.

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